were really good the last year up until May 2025. I was getting a follow-up trial for Asperger's syndrome. Things were bad for me; later I was overworked and tired from my job. I sadly had an accident at home, which left me with permanent tinnitus and cochlear synapsis (auditory hearing nerve loss), which has completely wrecked me mentally and professionally ever since. I went cold turkey on video games, listening to music, watching shows or movies, drawing or painting, and barely getting by on YouTube or the news on TV. I mostly doomscroll, make TikToks & YouTube videos, and drive as a hobby, not with anything fancy, just a Nissan Leaf Mk.II. But I have lost a lot of joy and passion for things that I once took for granted. It's not like I'm blind, thankfully (well, I do wear glasses now, but), or have a really bad disability. But tinnitus is like the "if I can't see it or hear it, it does not exist and is following irrelevant x & y; stop complaining" thing, but it's extremely demotivating.

The Problems I've had a blue-collar job, working a full shift, 8-4, with more tasks than my actual mentor there. I felt used and got only a paycheck of 250 - 300 USD every two weeks. working with chemicals and things that I did not want to ever work with unsupervised or with the proper equipment, which I never really felt secure or safe with. Thus, I quit due to my brothers and parents imploring me to do so. I have been either trying to go study further education, but I just turned 21 and feel like I was left behind or am behind everyone on a social and academic level. There are really few jobs I got, and they got me talking about working as a janitor, which is worse than the previous one, which was car detailing. This felt humiliating.

Later, after a few weeks passed, I got a letter in the mail saying I was fully Asperger's and they had no idea how they didn't hear from me sooner. No friends, no visits for over 4 years, trouble with social rules and authority figures, could not read the room, only got laid once in community college with an older woman whom I genuinely loved but saw me only as a situationship. We did watch movies and did talk a lot, but she broke up weeks in, and everybody thought I was ugly and unpredictable, and I was forced to change colleges and got into a more nerdy and chronically online school, but I fall along with Asperger's, autistic, and ADHD people more, and that is the hard truth. I didn't do much drawing there; I just played on my Xbox Series X and had my desktop from 2018 running and playing me YouTube videos in the background. I didn't care anymore; I was already traumatized and scarred from what happened in the previous, and I could never trust people again. If you didn't know, I live in a country that kind of has an insane drinking culture, and I am an honest-to-god teetotaler. I don't drink ever. I don't smoke or do any drugs or anything besides maybe sugar-free Monsters and some junk food and chips; that is my vice.

2024 was a really heavy year. I started in the winter in my second community college, just walking around after each day and reflecting and casually just admiring the buildings, but not the people. I never really made big friends there, but I was kind of cold and still processing. I did draw a bit; I brought in a duffel bag of drawings, but not any comics, and just said, "Pick the prettiest out of 1000 drawings." I spend so much time just playing games alone, not making any friends, and just applying for short home visits. I didn't want to be there or take that loan. Then May rolled round in 24, and I just saw everyone leave, never to be seen again. All the overanalyzing and studying them was just worthless. I walked around and said goodbye. It's a weird feeling, that silence and reflectivity; I don't sort of have it now. It's a kind of NPC; just do the thing and get it done now. I don't spend too much time. But finding out my colleagues are not friends, my classmates are not friends, and people at work are not my friends or anyone are not my friends is just pissing me off. so badly. I was alone for the rest of 24. unemployed, trying to search for jobs, but the job market was famously impossible to meet standards for Gen Z; even the news reported on it. I had a really good time just chilling at home and saw nothing wrong with it, playing games, quitting sugar, and just mostly studying for a car license. I got mine in September and never regretted it.

But I felt really okay, and then May rolled around, and I had made podcasts and playing guitar my hobby. like July 2024. I made a lot of demos and just made it a weekly thing, got my first guitar, and played every week. Then I did it every day; I was really aware and made sure to put on my Sony WH-1000XM4s and just played for 20 min a day. But one day I was playing; I was experimenting with a pedalboard and got unlucky. After work my headphones were charging; I made sure to just wait. I turned on my amp, thinking the pedals were off, but then I heard a loud scream. I instantly felt my cheeks going cold and numb. And I waited and waited, and I could hear hearing sensations being plucked one by one. That was when I knew. "Oh shit" was my first thought. and it kept going until my right side had almost no feelings, but I could hear. but I spend most of my time rotting in bed and doing nothing productive. I got time off from my job after I told them. But I worked there until about November and played Baker Street on my car and left, shaking everyone's hand and thanking them for working there. But that's it.

I really don't play games, though I keep being called a gamer and a nobody gaming addict by people I know. I have not picked up a console since perhaps late May; it's more about me having a social life or going out, sadly, but it's obvious the real timeline and history were not meant to go here.

But the amount of brain damage tinnitus and hearing loss gives you is insane, like constant headaches and feeling tired, and facial pain. It's a reason why it's called suffering. Like, I used to love cleaning and being tidy; I was known for being a lawn mower and etc. but the depression it gave me was insane, which I'm being medicated for. But having my youth and pride ruined by such a hard-to-notice disability is insane, and I tried looking past it and doing stuff. like playing guitar, night driving, just visiting places, making food, driving trips, cassettes, CDs, podcasting, YouTube, and sleeping. But I miss playing Cayo Perico or having my laptop watching a movie while playing RDR2, just enjoying the moment. I miss it a lot. I have hearing aids with maskers on, which help me 70-80% now.

But I have not been active or doing art for this reason. but i really want to, i'm going to try one day.